Commercials I made Up!
Updated: Feb 20, 2021
By, Wendiann Alfieri
(the moon is bright, alone with barely a star in the sky. A bellow of a lone wolf fills the air, but it sounds more like the anguished cry of a man getting kicked in the balls. The vibrations fill the ground underneath nearby animals feet. The camera is panning up from focus on a deers hooves to the sky, and as the deer runs away from the cameras view an old house is shown, a purple colored house thats beautiful but that you probably won’t admire cause the cheesy lightning effect is just so bad. Cut to a woman in a bed inside the house, covered in blankets as her husband enters with a tray of food.)
Husband: Honey? Here’s your dinner. I made it special for you.
Woman: (sighs) Oh Jim. I don’t know when I’m going to get better. I’m still having symptoms. When will I finally adjust?
Husband: I love you honey, but you can’t go outside right now.
Woman: (glazed eyes)
Woman: oh its...its
Husband: (furrows brows)
Woman: Excuse me, but I’d like to return this type of detergent. I used some of it, it was on sale and we used some and now i need a full refund
Husband: Oh god, ok, uh listen to me. You already used detergent, and it was on sale, so that means.. That means you can’t return it
Woman: (face reddening) Well, I don’t care, you obviously don’t know what your doing, can I speak to THE MANAGER
Husband: I am the manager
Woman: (the glazed eyes start to return to normal) Oh, babe, I’m so sorry. I just, I am trying so hard not to be a Karen…
(Camera widens to show the husband consoling his wife and the image fades away as white letters appear on the black background, and an announcer speaks)
Announcer: Try Descon laundry detergent, now 75% off! If you’d like to donate to the Help The Karens association, please donate some coupons. Together, we can fight the stupidity ALL AROUND the world
(The camera is zooming in on a woman walking down a street, a hand sanitizer in one hand, when out of nowhere a ten year old boy runs up and kicks her straight in the knees. She falls down, when her cell phone is ringing. She ignores it, but soon the phone answers herself and starts saying on speakerphone some words)
Voice: “Hey kids! Do you think the kid who just kicked you in the kneecaps has cooties?”
Woman: “No I don’t that, I think that kid is an assh-”
Voice:“Well fear not, luckily, cooties don’t exist! But what does exist are germs, and with all of the germs spreading so quickly, they can really hurt and cause disease!”
Woman: “ What the hell can someone help me? Ah shit I’m bleeding..”
Voice:“And you know what's even scarier? This is your fault!”
( the woman looks confused and is still bleeding)
Voice:“ That’s right! Instead of washing your hands after exiting that building, you were using hand sanitizer! Now, kid, hand sanitizer works, but when in a mess, don’t distress! Use Handy’s hand soap, it does best!”
Woman: “YOU MEAN I’M BLEEDING BECAUSE I DIDN”T WASH MY HANDS AFTER TOUCHING A DOORKNOB?”
Voice: Correct Indeed! Now, Handy’s hand soap is the best of its kind! It is free from allergens, chemicals, and soap! It’s the best liquid to wash your hands with!
Woman: “ so there's no soap in this soap? How does that in any way clean things?”
(voice whispering at the end of the phone-“You mean this stuff isn’t soap, it’s just bottled water in a soap container? No I can’t just read the script we legit hired that kid to injure someone, wait how much bonus? Oh well fuck it then)
Voice:”Well, kid, if you believe it can sanitize and clean and prevent disease it will! It’s all organic, no need to panic! Try Handy’s!
Woman ( looks up): “ Cameras? The fuck is going on?”
( whispering from the sidelines)
Woman: “ How much money? Holy shit ok sure you can use this finge-
(The handy’s logo appears on screen)
“Ever wake up to take a shower, and there’s no towels left besides the one your husband used and left in the bathroom? Tired of Always having to wash the same towels getting worn out?”
Woman appears on screen in a black room.
Woman: “Yeah i guess so, I hate towels?”
( woman looks at camera man to confirm and camera bobs up i
And down, saying “yes”)
Woman: Ok yeah towels suck, and the use of regular towels should be.. Condom? Uh, is that a- oh OH, towels suck so they should be CONDEMNED
That’s why I use a hand dryer I installed so that I can-
( the room lights up as windows are open and the woman begins to turn to ash)
Announcer: Are you having a vampire infestation? Easily call our number so we can lure, trap, and incinerate those vampires, no matter if they are reformed!
Also included with a call is a special dust pan to clean up vampire ash