By, Wendiann Alfieri
It’s a Monday and I hear a door slam so hard it sounds like a crack of a whip. I don’t open my eyes. I’m awake of course, but my job is to pretend to be well enough so I can just sleep more
This comforter is so comfy, it’s got little cherries all over it, and I don’t think it’s ever been washed but I don’t care. I don’t want to wash it, that would change it. It wouldn’t be the same anymore.
I pull out my phone to check my mail and I hear the door to our room open.
“ Brownie,” she says with practiced ease
“ I see you’re a awake.”
I pretend to snore
“ DUDE, YOUR EYES ARE OPEN” and I know this voice
This is her exasperated voice
I close my eyes shut.
“ Ok! Fine. Stay asleep. I guess I will go to Wendi’s birthday by myself,” she finishes. I hear her open the door and am ready to fall back asleep.
But I hear a small faint sound that is her voice.
“ Guess I’ll just have to go to the water park she imagined years ago by myself, won’t I ?”
She coos, and I hear the cat meow.
I sit straight up.
“ What?”My voice is scratchy.
“ the whole theme of the party is a water park. It was the first of her creative ideas that stuck with her from childhood. It was a dream of hers,” Blondie sounds proud
“ Yeah well let’s just hope I don’t fuck up,” I mutter
“ I’ve worked hard on this. Can you at least be happy for the effort I made?”
“ I’ve heard enough,” creaks out of me.
“ So you’re really gonna turn down-“
But I don’t let her get the chance
“ No, I’ll go. But I’m telling you she doesn’t always deserve these niceties,”
“ YES SHE DOES, AND SO DO YOU”
Blondie shrieks.
“ See what you’ve done, Brownie? She heard that and now she’s crying in her sleep! Come on just for one night she has to have a good dream,”
“ Nope. I’ll go for you. But I’m going in this outfit and I am NOT wearing a bra”
It’s about an hour later now and I’m wearing the same thing.
I see Blondie walking out of her room, yellow bright dress, hair all braided, beautiful makeup and a grin on her face.
“ Things have been rough, so I planned this dream come true, she works so hard Brownie, and I cleaned the gutters yesterday so no more sounds of the anxiety dripping,”
She smiles
She’s happy and motivated
“ This is to celebrate her new book! And her birthday of course. I’ve been sneaking messages in for a long time about how beautiful she is, and now she does her makeup and she loves this yellow dress that I’m wearing! We need to make sure she loves herself,” Blondie is happy.
“ Yup. She should soo love herself. Watching that same comedy special on repeat twenty times a day sounds better, she must be working hard. I mean according to you she has put forward an effort and she’s doing better. But when I feel like doing nothing so does she. And I don’t see anything wrong with that, and you shouldn’t either. You’re workin too hard to change her, but you should be changing me. I’m the bad guy here. Put your focus on me and not a fantasy right now. She’s not going to be happy when she wakes up and realizes I’m here. What the hell keeps her going is not in you or me. We are inside. She is outside. Neither of us matter,”
Blondie s eyes narrow
she stares back at me.
I look behind me in case the back wall cracked again, but nope. It’s fine.
“ what?”
Blondie stares straight ahead and walks out the door.
I follow because I hear the engine running.
The ride to the water park
Whoo!
We just have arrived at the park.
Crazy slides, amazing beach like scenes, childhood at its finest
But I don’t know this
I don’t remember it. But I feel it
I feel wendi is happy.
And maybe I should leave her alone. I see blondie entering first and I run up behind her.
She looks to the side and smiles slightly.
“ Maybe with your help I can get out of this rut, I think you are the one who can help me,” I say.
I put my hand on her shoulder
And that’s when I realize
Depression like me shouldn’t touch the source of happiness
False hope swallows everything as the park disappears.
Blondie is too.
“ I can’t take my hand off you Blondie!”
“ Please try. Your hurting me Brownie. Please. I just wanted happiness,” she sobs.
I think hard.
And I take a breath and I pull my hand off of blondie.
Too much force.
Too much hope I had I thought one strong pull would bring everything back
But blondie is now an indigo puddle and my skin lights up
More sadness fuel
I go to the emergency phone I have in my pocket
“ Hello Wendi’s brains tech my name is Bluff. What can I do for you today?”
“ Hey bluff, it’s brownie. We lost another motivator,”
Bluff sighs on the other end.
“ How long did she last this time,” he asks
“ Oh about three weeks. It’s a shame. I really liked her,” I downcast my eyes to the ground, trying to mourn the loss of another without sounding too distraught.
“ I tried bluff. I really really tried,” I speak.
“ Alright Brownie you know you are gonna need to make a statement, ah damn boss is saying she’s about to wake up
Maybe try to be more considerate and next time this won’t happen. Hold please,”
click click click
I start to listen to the holding music
And I try
To really really
Listen