By Wendiann Alfieri To My Insecurity
A unedited letter of sporadic feeling
I think you are misunderstood. But that’s not your fault, as a concept.
I blame you a lot, but it’s not you whose to blame, it’s what spawns from you
These are known of course as insecurities
I KNOW what my insecurities are, for the most part. I’ve spent years in therapy identifying them. My body image, my future, my past, my writing, my success, my mistakes
They all have the same thing in common: lack of confidence.
And… it’s almost a comfort. The miseries love company and the more I recognize them, the more they appear, like roaches. I kill one and it lays a jillion other eggs to produce more and more, and I can’t do anything about that, and I know it, but what do I do? I squash the bug anyway. A temporary solution, but who am I fooling? Not me. The solution isn’t to a problem. It’s to the problem of what happens when I don’t have anymore problems. Insecurities being gone? Well, frankly, The thought frightens me.
Because If I have more things to blame, the less I feel required to do about them.
Right now, I feel powerless and unproductive and invalidated because I want to soak in the misery that I am causing to myself.
But I won’t let myself
And it’s not from rebelling against the many insecurities floating around like specks of dust.
It’s from wanting to make peace with you, Insecurity in yourself, not your many forms.
If people only judged me for my bad days, they wouldn't ever think I had good ones
I want to heal in you, Not in your expressions, in you
What better time than to go against the weakness and do the thing I feel weak in?
I think I need to realize that you are a wound. You didn't ask to be, but you are.
You exist for one reason caused by external situations: doubt
That’s what you are
You are my doubt
And you will never fully go away
In fact, doubt can never fully go away.
I’m not all the sure that it should
what could go away, though, is mishandling it
It’s not an anchor, it’s a chain
Every chain has a weak link
Even the chains of weakness
Insecurities aren’t doubts, they are locusts
Insecurity, you are just a feeling of being unsure
And what can help that is something that achieving is easier said than done:
Loneliness is cured by company
And I think I can help you help me
If I just communicate with others TO them, not at them
The more people I surround myself with, the more we will adjust. The more we will change
The more we can both work together to rid ourselves of endless misery and instead just exist as we are
Not perfect, never perfect, but not sitting around letting ourselves get worse.
And definitely not wanting to get worse
Festering is not who I am
It’s not what I want to learn from you
So Let me help you.
Don't be an infection
Be only but a scar