By, Wendiann Alfieri
There’s something important I want you all to know about memory loss: that those of us who have suffered from it? We don’t
We don’t know
Once you’ve forgotten a stretch of time… it doesn’t ever come back in the same way
Sometimes the pictures aren’t there but the words are
Sometimes you remember something so strongly but it doesn’t feel tied to you
It feels like every new memory for the past is distant or broken like grasping onto fraying rope
I lost my memory when I was 17… just a few days before my 18th birthday
A side effect of a medical treatment for my mental illness which already made my memory spotty since have had a lot of psychosis issues
(Those were more of gaps in time
Not just like there was no time at all)
When I lost my memory just before turning 18, I didn’t forget just something I did
I forgot my family friends they felt like strangers
I forgot how to properly cut my food
I forgot how to properly use the bathroom
I forgot my name
I didn’t have a stroke but I suffered from brain damage and I felt so alone
I felt like everyone I’d loved before… I still love
But the memories aren’t always there for them all
And I don’t think my friends from before understand that
That I know them and their importance but I don’t know them the same way
I feel like they avoid me
I feel so alone
And this isn’t exclusive to just memory loss
All loss feels this way
A chunk cut out of you
Whether you’re there when it is or when your not
You lose yourself a little everyday
But I want you to know with every loss comes a gain
You learn and discover and change
And even if you can’t see or understand, you don’t ever lose yourself forever
It can be buried
But it’s there
It’s always there
To those struggling with being misunderstood
To those confused about what they mean
To those who don’t recognize the face they see in the mirror
To those who feel they don’t want to learn
To those who feel sorry for feeling sorry for themselves
To those who don’t feel reality clicks or fits
I want to say …if you feel alone it’s ok
Saying you’re not alone doesn’t automatically rally all the troops it doesn’t send a radio signal out to everyone who knows exactly how you feel to come flock to you like you’re story is a magnet
But what I like to say is it’s valid to feel alone
You’re not going to stop feeling alone because someone says your not
But let me leave you with this:
The word “ alone” exists for a reason
If you were truly alone, the word to describe the feeling wouldn’t exist
If you were truly alone, there wouldn’t be a term for it
Being Self pitying is a common thing we scold ourselves for
But there is a line between self pity and self pitying
Being something and feeling something are two different games to play
But cut your losses
And maybe it won’t always sting