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League Of The Lost

By, Wendiann Alfieri

There’s something important I want you all to know about memory loss: that those of us who have suffered from it? We don’t

We don’t know

Once you’ve forgotten a stretch of time… it doesn’t ever come back in the same way

Sometimes the pictures aren’t there but the words are

Sometimes you remember something so strongly but it doesn’t feel tied to you

It feels like every new memory for the past is distant or broken like grasping onto fraying rope

I lost my memory when I was 17… just a few days before my 18th birthday

A side effect of a medical treatment for my mental illness which already made my memory spotty since  have had a lot of psychosis issues

(Those were more of gaps in time

Not just like there was no time at all)

When I lost my memory just before turning 18, I didn’t forget just something I did

I forgot my family friends they felt like strangers

I forgot how to properly cut my food

I forgot how to properly use the bathroom

I forgot my name

I didn’t have a stroke but I suffered from brain damage and I felt so alone

I felt like everyone I’d loved before… I still love

But the memories aren’t always there for them all

And I don’t think my friends from before understand that

That I know them and their importance but I don’t know them the same way

I feel like they avoid me

I feel so alone

And this isn’t exclusive to just memory loss

All loss feels this way

A chunk cut out of you

Whether you’re there when it is or when  your not

You lose yourself a little everyday

But I want you to know with every loss comes a gain

You learn and discover and change

And even if you can’t see or understand, you don’t ever lose yourself forever

It can be buried

But it’s there

It’s always there

To those struggling with being misunderstood

To those confused about what they mean

To those who don’t recognize the face they see in the mirror

To those who feel they don’t want to learn

To those who feel sorry for feeling sorry for themselves

To those who don’t feel reality clicks or fits

I want to say …if you feel alone it’s ok

Saying you’re not alone doesn’t automatically rally all the troops it doesn’t send a radio signal out to everyone who knows exactly how you feel to come flock to you like you’re story is a magnet

But what I like to say is it’s valid to feel alone

You’re not going to stop feeling alone because someone says your not

But let me leave you with this:

The word “ alone” exists for a reason

If you were truly alone, the word to describe the feeling wouldn’t exist

If you were truly alone, there wouldn’t be a term for it

Being Self pitying is a common thing we scold ourselves for

But there is a line between self pity and self pitying

Being something and feeling something are two different games to play

But cut your losses

And maybe it won’t always sting

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