My Thoughts

By, Wendiann Alfieri

this is a rant of mine, I started writing it down and couldn’t stop, and I am sharing it with you all so that you can learn from me, but I can also learn for you

Yes, this gets into sensitive but relevant topics, so be aware that before choosing to read

here we go

In life, there are many situations that are awkward and hard to handle. As a kid, you can be straightforward and ask your mom or dad for help, and if you were acting like an asshole people ignored it because you were “ just a kid” so the embarrassment was set to rest on your parents shoulders

A day approaches fast.

The day you turn 18, a celebration that you are finally an adult and your parents are no longer responsible for your fuck ups

That’s the thing

Now YOU are

YOU are supposed to handle yourself

Let’s be honest, it’s hard to get used to being a adult

Eventually you learn that you should’ve paid more attention in school, and then you learn school was teaching the wrong things

I remember the formula a^2 +b^2= c^2but I can’t tell you how to change a tire

I can tell you all about The Planet Neptune and how it’s rumored to rain diamonds, but I can’t tell you what to do when someone steals your identity

I can tell you about the great literary accomplishment “ The Divine Comedy”, but I can’t explain the Hell of Social security and the DMV

I know how to write a lab report, but if someone is choking or not breathing, I wouldn’t know how to (properly) do CPR or Heimlich

There’s things in life you never expect

Adult or not

as a semi fresh adult, I find it’s almost like sometimes the big things don’t bother me as much as they should because I am a very paranoid person who fears everything. So when big things hit, it’s almost like my brain is like “ oh yeah, worry #294629318, I knew this would happen”

Like with this pandemic

(Now this is the part where it gets more serious, as everyone has to be an adult in today’s world)

If I bought thirty rolls of toilet paper last February, my family would be like you don’t need that you’re being paranoid

Who knew that a month or two later people would be out for blood in stores for anything at that point that they could wipe their ass with.

At the time though it felt like

my paranoia made sense and all my questions and things to make sure of.

Nowadays, everyone is almost used to their own paranoia like I’ve become as of late

Those are things of nature hurling at us

what was once paranoia has become for some, a necessary instinct

our own Nature is changing as we grasp onto whatever we can not to lose our reassurances

The binds of our truth and responsibility are being cut

At the same time

I’ve heard opinions on this, how we are going to get through this

Two mindsets I’ve had are opposing but I still had them Nonetheless:

“You don’t need to force yourself to be stone

It’s ok to break a little

We all get it

We don’t need to pretend that things will be the same as before but we will be ok in the end”

The other side:

“We need to be strong and show this won’t shatter us we unite we don’t accept these injustices from others or ourselves we. Are. Going to be ok

The world will resume we are resilient this craziness will end”

For me, It’s not about where I stand with that, or even if I should, but it doesn’t matter because I don’t stand with that

I stand within that

I don’t want to lie to myself, or you, so here’s my perception:

Both mentalities are exhausting to me because it’s hard to find a middle ground. it’s easy to find a way to fit in comfortably and that is in desperation

we are desperate and regardless of mindsets aside, the idea of two mindsets with the same message (“we will be ok”) is lost as people fight about the details of disagreement, blind to the same purpose we all have which is to survive and be happy at peace

Picking one of those sides is not where I am anymore as my feelings have become more adaptive to my inner thoughts instead of inner ideas, not that either way is a bad thing, that’s just how I react

“Reality”has become our collective hallucination with a basis rooted in a understanding we have no right to pretend is always established as new threats pose and turmoil grows

There are lines drawn but they lie within each other like Russian nesting dolls

No matter your age, we all have to grow up in a sense , together,and follow new rules and guidelines, a new society, where details are more important to consider

The more and more the world is challenging us the more and more the little things count.

We are at the mercy of circumstances

Everything/ Anything can change on a dime

Meaning, (to me) that there was no true concept of reality to begin with

Change implies that something was the same and it never quite is

It never was

It never is going to be, either

sometimes that makes things scary and bleak, others it can be beautiful

To me, my reality is that there is none

Which you might think sounds strange

And you’d be 100% right

It is

I explained all this

But in the end the pre determined concept of no reality is a reality in itself.

Words are tricky when they are very literal, no matter how figuratively you write to get your point across

I hope you enjoyed my thoughts regardless, I hope you all have an understanding of my words

I figured I would post this because it feels good to let it out, and I wish to share it with you all, let’s get a conversation going guys :)

Stay safe everyone