F**k you, I'm a cat

Updated: Feb 20, 2021

By, Wendiann Alfieri


The day opening to our warm sun

The sun smiles at everyone

You get up stretching

Your muscles ache

You twist and turn as more you wake

You roll over, a hand to put on your lovers head

To kiss them good morning

Before they leave for work

Except

they are not in bed

You blink away the rest of your sleep

mood fuel starting to deplete

Oh yeah, they had to leave for work early

BANG

A crash from the kitchen snaps you out

Of the glorious moment you quickly forgot about


You rush to the kitchen in nothing at all

You don’t change

Your worried someone got hurt


You enter the kitchen, to see

All the plates were smashed by me

Those cookies you made

I ate

(By the way, they tasted great)

Then barfed onto the only non broken plate

Oh, yeah its not yours

It's one you borrowed from your mother in law

The one she was reluctant to give

You know to her how special it is

Return it you shall

Before you can wash it,

Time is needed for you to chow

There’s your breakfast

It’s like its organic

It came from the cookies my stomach has banished

You’ll be fine

That’s your breakfast

where is mine

You didn’t yet refill my bowl

Except for a whole hour ago

I may have eaten it all

Its a pre-breakfast snack

Got to have my energy

I’ve got havoc to attract

I stretch my back and jump from my window seat

You didn’t draw the curtains for the sun I wished to see

I may have destroyed them

You might wanna turn around

Your bare ass naked facing the window

I’m sorry but I must go

I have to scratch something up

That stupid cat tree you bought isn’t the same

when against the walls my nails scrape


Its noon now and your are at your computer

Hey! Can't you see me? I am running against your leg

This time it doesn’t mean a treat

I want to snuggle

You are clearly busy

This is the perfect time to lay on your lap

Curled up and warm and not going anywhere

I need to take a nap

HEY! How dare you push me away?

Don’t you want love?

You cuddle me

When I don’t want to be

Your keyboard looks nice

Maybe you’ll see m-

Oh damn

These keys? Ah, I can stretch my back

Oh these are fun

You are picking me up off the keys

Oh so NOW you pick me up? Now you want a hug?

Either way, I get attention

Which I love...

sometimes


It's around two, there is nothing to do

I am curled up near a wall

When I see a red dot on the wall

this thing is always around when I am NOT trying to annoy you


I can never catch it

You think it’s funny

Laughing and giggling

What if someone put $1000 dollars for you on the floor then moved it and each time

More money is added and you keep trying to catch it

THEN YOU DO

your hand it goes right through

You see it but feel nothing

It never existed

It’s not a being

It’s an illusion

I am not a kitten anymore, so don’t bullshit me like one

I will end you ‘fore the clock is done


It’s four o'clock and you let me in the door after being outside

Leaves are stuck to me and I am drenched from this storm I for some reason

Needed to go out in

I see you’ve made your bed

That your comforter was just washed

BLOOP

I jump

Curled up on this comfy-ness

You come in, with other laundry and socks

I feel your eyes

I sense your defeat

Maybe next time you won’t trick me with a red treat

You get what you get

When you trick me about what I see

What?

What did you say?

Hell no, I am not moving!


Dinner is here but I am not

I am sleeping in a box

When now I feel I am being lifted

I hiss and then I fall

Out of this box where you put the empty water bottles

In the green can

I am skittering, I am outside for the first in a long time

I run behind a gate

Rain pelting me again

I run farther into the front door of my house

Your kid lets me in and away I flee

I know I could’ve done this outside,

I didn’t, now I have to pee

don’t slip in the hallway or walk further than three steps

I know when you were looking for me

That you were standing with bare feet

So watch where you walk

And don’t talk to me


Its hours i have lost track of

Me and you are snuggling

You tell me bout your day and give me belly rubs

I know I am crazy most of the time

The other half I just want to feel

Your support and love for m-

WOOF WOOF

You push me off

To go walk that thing you call a dog

Oh well,

For you here I will sit

Except I’m a cat

So fuck that

I wanna jump and screech and run and be free

Cause you are outside

I am in

I want to do this

Your affection I wanted to win

I have lost

Till you see

How beautiful my rearrangements will be

These circles and boxes

I can explore

After I knock them onto the floor

A thing shatters behind me on this shelf

Just another antique to show wealth

Is what I think

As I look to see your disbelief

What’s wrong? I thought you’d be happy

To see I can occupy myself while you are gone

“How did you get up there, how’d you do that? You knocked over that book next to it so it fell flat..”


You stand there with your head in your hands

Screaming something about me knocking something over again

The door opens

Peacefully I sit

The man you live with will understand

he walks in, roses in hand


As your husband asks what happened to his grandfathers ashes

His face as pale as yours quickly going red

I see you

You don’t look happy

I don’t understand

I didn’t mean that to fall, I was going for the lamp

The one with weird glow stuff I wanted to play with and eat

Don’t look at me like that

I just said

I meant to go for the lava lamp

That look you have?

We both know it won’t do crap

Cause fuck you,

I’m A Cat


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