Updated: Feb 20, 2021
By, Wendiann Alfieri
With the wind whipping against her hair. With no strength or effort to fight against herself. With her body shivering between the heat and cold. With the ash staining her bare feet as though trying to let her blend in with the night instead of the fire. With the pain she could no longer handle. With the people shouting “She survived!” the last sound she heard before falling to the ground and flopping like a fish.
With her home burning around her silenced brain. With her eyes opening to the sound of beeping machines. With her mind an open book. With her mouth opening to scream with the gust of a thousand winds. With no words coming out instead. With no strength or effort to fight against herself.
With herself alone in the room. With her salty tears burning her already charred skin. With knowing she had a debt to pay to the child who was left in the house, and decision not to save them because she couldn’t either way, with it weighing down on her soul. With the doctor coming in at that moment and all she could choke out was how was her baby? With the doctor staring at her with somber eyes. With the debt she felt like she’d have to pay in hell for numbing any remnants of hope with. With no strength or effort to fight against herself.
To Lose It All-
The day was as crisp as an apple, the words repeated in my head all the same. Driving down an empty road at 1:30 am. To the wonderland of Queens. To the hospital with my fate looming inside it, with me looking for a way out like a mouse in a cage. Scurrying, scurrying around waiting to be let out. We listened to the radio, rock and roll rearing its comfortably animal-like head.
Reassurance is all I get a nice tone with the underlying message, “I don’t know what will happen but I hope you’ll be okay. The permission signed, the doctors approval is a balancing scale that can never be even no matter how empty. I am a lab rat, an experiment. Everyone’s approval for a better future. When we reach the waiting room the chatter now stone cold. I am not yet shocked .
The older men and women’s stares make my eyes roll back into their sockets. As I enter alone, I know I will exit alone too. And the nurses and students stare counting down till I leave. I close my eyes and soon I wake. A brain washed lab rat knowing there will never be a return. Everyone’s approval for a better future. Permission slip signed. I am now shocked. Everyone’s approval but mine.