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Commercials I made Up! (Part Two)

Updated: Feb 20, 2021

By, Wendiann Alfieri

Part Two of made up strange commercials, don't worry, you need not think this stuff is real. the only product it is of and is selling is imagination

ENJOY



#1-Lawyers for cursing


(Two teens are standing in a kitchen, chatting away.)

Person 1: “did you hear about that school shut down because of the pandemic?”

Person 2: “Yeah, that shit is sad. It was an elementary school as well”

Person 1: “I know, it's soo fucked up, Taylor’s sister didn’t eve-

(Both kids freeze as they notice their mom who was there the whole time, stealthily unnoticed)

The Mom: “Did i just hear you curse?”

(freeze frame, as a guy in a suit walks onto the screen, in a blue suit with glasses)

Suit Guy: “Ever curse at a bad time? Maybe you are at a store, and a cart rolls on your heel...

(Shot of that happening in a store as the man screams “FUCK”)

...and you cursing makes you the bad guy?”

(man turning around to see it was a mother and her baby in the cart, and everyone looks at man strangely for cursing in front of a child)

Suit Guy( continues): Or maybe you are emotional, sad even, and use cursing to help you get out your feelings?

(A woman is crying, dressed in black for a funeral, someone comes over to comfort her, and she wails “ FUCK THIS SHIT!!! DEATH IS A MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE!)

( the friend steps back, as though the woman cursing is disrespectful , even though she's just reacting to a loss)

(cuts back to the original frame with the kids frozen)

Suit Guy:”here is a way to help!”

(snaps fingers and the frame re animates, with the mom angry)

(the kids look at each other when a man opens the back door with a briefcase and walks in)

“ sorry, tried teleportation, but we don’t have much of a budget,”

( he puts briefcase down, shakes hands with the mom, and all four of them sit down and talk about reasoning and if the situation could be justified as much as to let the mom let the matter drop, no grounding necessary)

Suit guy:

“to defend your actions and reasoning for cursing, there is our firm Gerold and Vink, lawyers for language reasoning and finding reasons for those who receive the silent treatment, or have been ‘ghosted’

Just dial 889 on your phone for scheduled appointments, and 972 for emergency situations you need back-up in


(Cuts to the Woman dressed in black smiling, saying “Thank you Gerold and Vink!”, as a lawyer is explaining to the other group of women how in this situation, emotional cursing is protected under the common decency law under the “Exceptions” clause)


Next frame cuts to the man smiling in the store, which is now empty around him, lawyers no where to be found until a man with a folder rushes in with papers for the man to sign so that its clear rudeness was not the intent)

“Thank you Gerold and Vink!”( his voice is ironically shrill)

Voice over ends by saying, “ call today!”


#2-Going In-Sane


CONGRATULATIONS!

You have won two all included tickets to go In Sane!

Going into the forest of sanity is a very different place, as people are quiet and mind their own business in easy silence. Working as a secretary is a common thing to see as you enter the Sane forest. Do not be afraid, as these beings are professional but very happy to help you, and when you meet a secretary, you can take pictures!


There is also the dinner table area, where many couples sit and drink wine and talk, they are curiously sane as long as they are on the first date

You can sit down and view these normal dinners, and will be given your own fresh bread and wine to observe this “sanity” and ask questions as well


Another attraction is in a managers office, where the manager will give the employee a promotion because they well-earned it, where you will get a pen and be allowed to sign a fictional contract based on where you want to work and what job you want to have

You can delve deeper into interactive activities on your own, your resort apartment-room will have itineraries and schedules.


This forest may have different scenes, but it is more of an outside dome. Those of you who aren’t used to sunlight, there is a emergency comfort area, as not many people have visited or experienced Sanity before. The on call “nurse” will be there with you with Netflix, a blanket, a video game system with any game included, access to Facebook to stalk your ex who you dated for a month then broke YOU broke up with five years ago


The forest also has a “park area” where children play on equipment that wasn’t built thirty years ago and made of metal.

The weather is always pleasant everywhere, but especially at the garden that actually functions like a garden and not the disaster of a garden you tried to maintain by watching tutorials on You-Tube


There is also a area for teens, who are treated equally and not called dumb, in fact

They have dances in that area, where the teens are treated equally, because they all have dates that give a damn and won’t be the ones who spike the punch


Wedding Dress Up is an extra feature but with a small fee

Normal and not dysfunctional family thanksgiving dinner is also available, but that requires some more advanced work, so please plan a reservation for that feature when you can, as there are not many spots available this time of year


A stay at our complementary apartment building that is fair with rent and doesn’t require you to have to go to the landlord 100+ times to see when someone would fix the plumbing

We also have the puppy room, where you can go and immerse yourself among adorable puppies that are just very playful

Social media will be different as well, you shall see that not everyone makes a big deal of nothing.

In this trip, politics do not exist

Food will be actually cooked right for you

And the ice cream machine will NEVER be broken


Theme::

This trips theme will include a bonus tour on your last day of your free five day stay.

Instead of walking through a dome of general sanity, you will walk through a trail of what it would be like if people were Sane based on situations that occured during the past year 2020, as a special new years relief fantasy tour to get you less mentally scared for 2021, by a non profit organization that seeks to get donations to make sure everyone has toilet paper. Please see the PDF included for more background info


You have been selected by someone who has paid this for you

Here is the note they left:

Take a break and relax. Its been rough, so here's your break. also, if you humans take a chill pill I won’t need to take extra strength Tylenol

Love you, but y'all are driving me crazy, this years been as crazy for me as it has for you, so here's a chance to inspire hope within you

Peace Out my sheep

-Jesus Christ


#3- Laundry PSA


VO: as we all know, laundry is the worst part of the week

( a shot of a junior listening, and as those words are spoken, a ball of socks is thrown at him, who catches it ball and is faking being captivated by the announcer who sounds a little like smoking cigarettes was a past time that has been started since kindergarten)


We all trust our washing machines, diligent and harmless ( for the most part)

(pause for wheezing)

The dryers have consciousness and now we know, as a country, we must respect that, and in prote