Commercials I made Up! (Part Two)
Updated: Feb 20, 2021
By, Wendiann Alfieri
Part Two of made up strange commercials, don't worry, you need not think this stuff is real. the only product it is of and is selling is imagination
ENJOY
#1-Lawyers for cursing
(Two teens are standing in a kitchen, chatting away.)
Person 1: “did you hear about that school shut down because of the pandemic?”
Person 2: “Yeah, that shit is sad. It was an elementary school as well”
Person 1: “I know, it's soo fucked up, Taylor’s sister didn’t eve-
(Both kids freeze as they notice their mom who was there the whole time, stealthily unnoticed)
The Mom: “Did i just hear you curse?”
(freeze frame, as a guy in a suit walks onto the screen, in a blue suit with glasses)
Suit Guy: “Ever curse at a bad time? Maybe you are at a store, and a cart rolls on your heel...
(Shot of that happening in a store as the man screams “FUCK”)
...and you cursing makes you the bad guy?”
(man turning around to see it was a mother and her baby in the cart, and everyone looks at man strangely for cursing in front of a child)
Suit Guy( continues): Or maybe you are emotional, sad even, and use cursing to help you get out your feelings?
(A woman is crying, dressed in black for a funeral, someone comes over to comfort her, and she wails “ FUCK THIS SHIT!!! DEATH IS A MOTHERFUCKING ASSHOLE!)
( the friend steps back, as though the woman cursing is disrespectful , even though she's just reacting to a loss)
(cuts back to the original frame with the kids frozen)
Suit Guy:”here is a way to help!”
(snaps fingers and the frame re animates, with the mom angry)
(the kids look at each other when a man opens the back door with a briefcase and walks in)
“ sorry, tried teleportation, but we don’t have much of a budget,”
( he puts briefcase down, shakes hands with the mom, and all four of them sit down and talk about reasoning and if the situation could be justified as much as to let the mom let the matter drop, no grounding necessary)
Suit guy:
“to defend your actions and reasoning for cursing, there is our firm Gerold and Vink, lawyers for language reasoning and finding reasons for those who receive the silent treatment, or have been ‘ghosted’
Just dial 889 on your phone for scheduled appointments, and 972 for emergency situations you need back-up in
(Cuts to the Woman dressed in black smiling, saying “Thank you Gerold and Vink!”, as a lawyer is explaining to the other group of women how in this situation, emotional cursing is protected under the common decency law under the “Exceptions” clause)
Next frame cuts to the man smiling in the store, which is now empty around him, lawyers no where to be found until a man with a folder rushes in with papers for the man to sign so that its clear rudeness was not the intent)
“Thank you Gerold and Vink!”( his voice is ironically shrill)
Voice over ends by saying, “ call today!”
#2-Going In-Sane
CONGRATULATIONS!
You have won two all included tickets to go In Sane!
Going into the forest of sanity is a very different place, as people are quiet and mind their own business in easy silence. Working as a secretary is a common thing to see as you enter the Sane forest. Do not be afraid, as these beings are professional but very happy to help you, and when you meet a secretary, you can take pictures!
There is also the dinner table area, where many couples sit and drink wine and talk, they are curiously sane as long as they are on the first date
You can sit down and view these normal dinners, and will be given your own fresh bread and wine to observe this “sanity” and ask questions as well
Another attraction is in a managers office, where the manager will give the employee a promotion because they well-earned it, where you will get a pen and be allowed to sign a fictional contract based on where you want to work and what job you want to have
You can delve deeper into interactive activities on your own, your resort apartment-room will have itineraries and schedules.
This forest may have different scenes, but it is more of an outside dome. Those of you who aren’t used to sunlight, there is a emergency comfort area, as not many people have visited or experienced Sanity before. The on call “nurse” will be there with you with Netflix, a blanket, a video game system with any game included, access to Facebook to stalk your ex who you dated for a month then broke YOU broke up with five years ago
The forest also has a “park area” where children play on equipment that wasn’t built thirty years ago and made of metal.
The weather is always pleasant everywhere, but especially at the garden that actually functions like a garden and not the disaster of a garden you tried to maintain by watching tutorials on You-Tube
There is also a area for teens, who are treated equally and not called dumb, in fact
They have dances in that area, where the teens are treated equally, because they all have dates that give a damn and won’t be the ones who spike the punch
Wedding Dress Up is an extra feature but with a small fee
Normal and not dysfunctional family thanksgiving dinner is also available, but that requires some more advanced work, so please plan a reservation for that feature when you can, as there are not many spots available this time of year
A stay at our complementary apartment building that is fair with rent and doesn’t require you to have to go to the landlord 100+ times to see when someone would fix the plumbing
We also have the puppy room, where you can go and immerse yourself among adorable puppies that are just very playful
Social media will be different as well, you shall see that not everyone makes a big deal of nothing.
In this trip, politics do not exist
Food will be actually cooked right for you
And the ice cream machine will NEVER be broken
Theme::
This trips theme will include a bonus tour on your last day of your free five day stay.
Instead of walking through a dome of general sanity, you will walk through a trail of what it would be like if people were Sane based on situations that occured during the past year 2020, as a special new years relief fantasy tour to get you less mentally scared for 2021, by a non profit organization that seeks to get donations to make sure everyone has toilet paper. Please see the PDF included for more background info
You have been selected by someone who has paid this for you
Here is the note they left:
Take a break and relax. Its been rough, so here's your break. also, if you humans take a chill pill I won’t need to take extra strength Tylenol
Love you, but y'all are driving me crazy, this years been as crazy for me as it has for you, so here's a chance to inspire hope within you
Peace Out my sheep
-Jesus Christ
#3- Laundry PSA
VO: as we all know, laundry is the worst part of the week
( a shot of a junior listening, and as those words are spoken, a ball of socks is thrown at him, who catches it ball and is faking being captivated by the announcer who sounds a little like smoking cigarettes was a past time that has been started since kindergarten)
We all trust our washing machines, diligent and harmless ( for the most part)
(pause for wheezing)
The dryers have consciousness and now we know, as a country, we must respect that, and in protest,
Most have gone rogue
(a dryer machine is featured leaking green acid as everyone tries to get away from it)
They have been proven to be the ones that eat socks ( a shot never seen before of a dryer being caught burping)
They shrink everything (a woman holds up a dress that would barely fit even a Barbie doll)
They don’t always dry things the first hour you set it too
(cuts back to the kid standing there confused, as he has no lines or any more purpose for this but is paid to be there so he continues to smile awkwardly)
These are all things that require you to take care of, as the dryer is your own roommate now
They are very moody, and hungry for buttons, socks, and anything that is fluffy so they can create the fluffy object to be a lint magnet.
Surely, we should just not use dryers, correct?
(hacking has been induced as the narrator has run out of stamina and still persists)
( the kid sees this off screen and tries to signal for help and runs offset as the announcer's voice sounds like he just ran a 4k)
Well, with their colonies we have a deal
The dryers get a home so that they are not together in United strength, reducing the possibility of a rebellion
Here is how to keep the
(the announcers voice breaks from just speeding through his past lines too quick and there's a brief scream, and a thirty seconds later a woman announcer replaces him)
...peace:
(The woman's voice is calm and steady as something falls over behind the set)
Every week, put an extra sock in the dryer to feed it, so that your sacrifice will keep the balance for your other socks
Underwear will also shrink, but don’t show annoyance as the dryers love to push others buttons
Dryers often will shake violently while drying clothes, keep in mind that’s only part of the process and not an exorcism, as much as it sounds like it
For women’s sake, it’s best to just hand wash your bras. They are always so damn costly and dryers usually have expensive taste
Also, dryers do have the potential to melt buttons if they feel like it so be careful what you dry
(the woman finishes as the camera has just been recording the backdrop the kid was no longer in front of the whole time)
“OH wait!”
(The female announcer quickly regains posure and finishes quickly, STILL offscreen)
“We are still trying to work out a deal with hair dryers and hand dryers, as they are both on strike against the dryers for laundry. They have been ruling over them all and did not allow them to reveal their sentience, but now they have and want equality and peace. More on that on our website”
#4- Alternate School
Hey highschoolers! When it comes to your education,
HS is the last four years before you become an adult
But why learn and feel pressure to be an adult, when you only have a few years left to be a kid still?
(cut to shots of a green area with lots of trees, and a building covered in rose vines)
At the Inders boarding school, we provide a comfortable environment with nostalgia tailored to each students personal history and personality
We teach how to deal with emotion as it actually gets harder to do that and learn that with age.
We provide education on your level of course, but we understand pressure is a bitch
Each dorm will have a teacher for you and your roommates, who are picked out carefully to balance similarity, objectivity, and a good education ratio.
We have a cafeteria, and different events weekly to calm peoples nerves
As much as we provide comfort, we do expect you to want to learn as well, this isn’t a get out of learning free card
The more you show genuine interest in your future and learning as well, the more opportunity you will have for comfort support and options for college and future
You have to want to show interest in your own self-care and gaining your own knowledge
For juniors, we help with “ Future Training” with classes to help you try to understand certain things about adulthood
Juniors have an option to either start the summer before junior year and end at the end of junior year, the option to start junior year and continue through the summer before senior year, or do both for a true full year experience
With our staff, they will treat you equally but you have to earn respect
As much as we delve into comfort, the real world isn’t always that way, which is why on weekends we have an “ adulthood boot camp” to get your mindset on track
We offer for grades ten and eleven, as we find the in between years are the best for our program and a high schoolers development of perspective
Join and apply today!!
#5- Fortune cookies
(A man is at a park, wind whistling as leaves crackle in response.sitting alone, on a red bench.)
“Looks like you are really happy, but my child, have you ever wondered what will come next?”
The man addresses the camera
“Let me show you the way,”
VO: There are things in life that need to be said, some harsher than others. At For Youn Inc. we make fortune cookies whose telling are actually the future and more to the point. With supernatural technology at our partner company, PSY Cats, each fortune is in tune with reality, and luck is fate that, regardless, you've already drawn. Except these cookies make you aware of it!
( cut to a woman at a table with take out Chinese food. The woman goes to open her fortune cookie. As she picks it up, it emits green steam)
VO: You know you’ve got one of our cookies by the cookie emitting green steam. Let it open by itself.
Woman lets the cookie float up and open. The slip of paper reads-, “He’s been cheating on you for two months and three days” She turns to follow her husband who went in the kitchen
VO: Some cookies draw an impulsivity when the fact fortune delivers.
Woman: “Why would you do this, Rick?? Who is she?”
Man: “Uh…”
(the sound of a cookie cracking open fills the room)
VO: sometimes two cookies will correspond with each other in regards of content. The second cookie will appear when needed, thanks to the power of honesty.
(shot zooming in on the new fortune that says, “HIS name is Brian” then the cookie part falls to the ground)
Woman:
Rick:
Woman ( eyes agape)
(Awkward silence)
VO: we are not responsible for whatever actions are committed after reading a cookie.
(Woman grabs a spatula and throws it at husband who somehow catches it, and is flabbergasted)
VO: We ARE responsible for the great taste of these fortune cookies! Special flavors are made for kids to enjoy, such as
“Funfetti”
“Chocolate”
“Strawberry”
“Vanilla swirl”
And special flavors have special animated features
For flavors like
“Snake”
( zoom in on a child reaching for a cookie as cookie hisses showing red forked tongue on one side, and one sharp blue tooth that no one really pinpoint where it comes from)
VO: And
“Wet cement”
( the cement is all over the take out food)
VO: And for those who are adventurous, we have different kinds of cookies and pastries that will reveal a message after you have eaten one, but do not come in different flavors a part from their usual flavors.
(Cuts to a party, a woman eating a cannoli)
Woman 1: is there any cannoli’s left?
Woman 2: nah, this one was the last ( she takes the last bite, and begins to choke, eventually spitting up a stream of smoke that says her fortune in the air in lingering smoke-writing)
VO: Other cookies may not have as private a revealing as generally hoped for
(The writing says, “Don’t Eat The Cannoli’s, the filling they used has been expired for a month)
Woman 2: (covers mouth and runs to throw up in a plant)
(The shot fades away, and the man on the bench is smiling, as snow falls around him, and as it zooms out you see that he is in a snow globe, in which a child runs by and it falls, breaking open with glass everywhere, and text on screen saying, “Don’t forget to order soon! Gift packages are on sale!”in white, cursive text)
#6-BETTER WTR
You’ve heard of water before… well now, we have BETTER WTR.
BETTER WTR is in the bottle that is the shape of a giraffe, and tastes fresher and better because it does
The water is made of the most refreshing kind of water
Not from a spring or a lake
This water is extra pure
Taken from the best hoses and fire hydrants across the world, also added is Camel Spit and Llama drool!
Drink water. Please. Giraffe. Don’t sue us.